Me, just me.

I am me. You can go halfway or hell, around the world, hell and back, I will still be me. You will never find anyone like me or somebody identical. Never. Because I chose to be him, I love being the owner of me. Every little thing that I am, that builds me as the very person that I am is without a doubt, I posses. It is mine. Certainly, I handle me. The way I dress myself, the way I laugh, the way I think the way I smile, my actions, certainly just because... I have my own dreams, my aspirations and ambitions, my illusions, my nightmares, my hopes and my fears. I own my successes and my victory, just as much as I own my failures, my downfall, my humiliation and mistakes. All are mine, certainly. No one else will ever know me well enough. No one will ever know me better than myself. Certainly, no one. And those times I would be uncertain of who I am, I will always carry on, pick up the pieces, and hopefully be determined enough to solve the puzzle and not give up. The puzzle, which is certainly my whole being. All of my feelings, all of my emotions, all of my love and my affection. My thoughts, my values, my morals. My heartaches & my heartbreaks. I own everything, everything I create, everything I control, everything, I manipulate. Me. Certainly, because I am Gino.

These hands hold my future.

I cannot even begin to count how many times people have told me that my entire future is at the tip of my fingers. The responsibilities and burdens rested upon my shoulders and over time, my hands start to tremble. I lost direction because my mind became tainted by reality which carried it’s own dosage of atrocities, tragedy, and horror. My future became vague and I questioned whether my fingers could carry such privileges of holding my future any longer.

The same hands that wiped away my tears.
The same hands that intertwined with my mothers.
The same hands that created art.
The same hands that have been scarred from breaking my falls as a child.
The same hands that fed me.
The same hands that dressed me.

These hands hold my future?

The same hands that pushed against the door.
The same hands that fed me those toxins.
The same hands that have stolen.
The same hands that were used to hurt others.
The same hands that were used to hurt myself.

These hands hold my future?

What happens when my hands are too worn out? What would become of my future? Life is ever changing. At any given moment, everything could be sent down a spiral of unfortunate events. When such things would occur, you are forced to redirect your future according to where you are at. How much longer can my hands last? Because they are trembling and I am afraid my hands cannot carry such weight any longer. My gentle hands will become rough. My child-like hands will wrinkle. Time will take its toll and would this make my future age as well? What would become of it? So I clasp my hands and hold it close to my chest. I feel the faint beating of my heart and there is hope. As long as my mind, body, and soul stays intact, I will be fine. Right?

I am sitting here, typing words, backspacing words, over and over again. The screen is once again blank. Thoughts come rushing in, then I lose track, so I erase.


I think of you and my confusion, my sadness, my anger, and my frustration. Then, my butterflies, my excitement, and my feelings for you take over, so I erase.

It’s not the things that you say, this I know for a fact, because I have heard it once before at some point in time. It’s not your image or your smile because I have seen it once before, so I erase.

I know what you are all about, the “hit it and quit it” type. I know you are not as innocent as you claim to be. I thought being innocent was something you wanted, so I molded myself into that person. So I erase.

Then I find out you like a douchebag, you know, the partying, the drinking type of guy, the asshole type of guy, who is arrogant, spontaneous and out there, so I became that guy. No questions asked, then I lost myself. So once again, I erase.

My thoughts are lost, I have forgotten why I even sat down and began pressing my fingers against this keypad. Typing nonsense, pouring out my thoughts, yet hesitate because I am so afraid. So I erase.

I am on the edge, forced to make a decision, but why? These are the questions I have asked yet cannot seem to find the answer to compliment them. Time is up, the clock is ticking. I am almost there. So I erase.

"Last night I saw you in my dreams. Now I can't wait to go to sleep."

Dear Dreams of Mine,

You have been giving me the gift of temporary escapes for the past eighteen years of my life. Without you, I would probably be a very boring person. I cannot seem to figure out how you do it and how such a thing happens, but I do not dare question you. Thank you, for last night. I can honestly say that I learned a lot about what my subconscious has been bothered by. You are the only one who’s ever dared to bring it up. I saw her, I saw them, I fought, and I loved. All within the short eight hours. I realized that I have been lying to myself. That does not change anything though, I will continue to do so. Why? Because that is the only option I am left with. It’s nice to know that I am still left with my dreams at the end of the day. The way you take my worries and play it up in a different scenario. You reminded me that I miss the embrace of a person and that I have done it all wrong. Or have I? Maybe it’s time I shift my loving style. Then again, even if I were to change my mindset, sooner or later, it will peek out. I guess such lessons are learned and it takes time to get there.

Let’s meet again, tonight.
See you there

Shivers ran down my spine.
The hairs on the back of my neck stiffened.
My smile gave up.
My eyes became idle.

It felt as though the entire world stopped, everything froze. There I stood, in the middle of the road, where traffic once occured. There is no other way to put it, no words to substitute the true meaning, no matter how I say it, the connotation is there. I am lost. A rush of bitter-cold air swept by me. Leaving me to stand there, with goosebumps along my arms. I cannot move. No matter which avenue I choose to take, I will just be hurt along the way. The road to recovery requires patience. If I choose to remain in the past it may hurt. I’ve been let down so many times before, what makes this any different? Maybe it was the fact that I had something within reach, something so close, was taken away from me. I am a fool. Always and forever will be. Never learned. I should be ashamed.

Just because the future does not look as bright as I thought it would be, this is not the end of the world. Because of the world froze, does not mean I have to. I know that eventually, things will progress into a better light. All I need is strength. Though there will be times where I find myself stranded along the way, and there might not be anyone to turn to. But one thing is for sure, all the good memories I have created will always outshine the bad memories that has scarred me. Best believe it.

Because all that I can ever ask for, lies with me.
Once again, I will pick myself up.
And live this beautiful struggle called life.

Censorship of the Mind

All my life, peers and advisers have taught me to speak my mind, yet when I do, no one seems to handle it well. Society wants me to “tone it down” because it is too out of the ordinary. Who defines what is ordinary? Who draws the line between normality and mediocrity? The world seems to have created a box, and wishes for everyone to only color within the lines, because as as soon as someone does something ludicrous, all hell breaks loose. Maybe I am wrong. If you are going to censor my mind, you are forcing me to restrain myself, keeping me a prisoner. This has nothing to do with the freedom of speech, because I do not mean my rights as an individual. What I mean is that even though I have the right to say whatever I please, express myself in any form, people still want you to fit within a certain persona. Even if they do not physically restrict me from doing as I please, their subliminal actions, thoughts, and how they verbally approach me says it all. Artists are not obligated to follow certain guidelines. You are not respecting my art if you expect me to do so.

Art, to me, is a very vague but vast subject. In my opinion, art includes dance, writing, anything and everything that requires you to free your mind, and express yourself. Creating something. “The quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance.” It is a craft. A talent. A gift.

Hiding under written thoughts

I find it very difficult to express my thoughts, truthfully.

It’s as if I did, I would show weakness.
It’s as if I did, everything would fall apart.
It’s as if I did, I would end up hurting people I do not intend to inflict pain upon.
It’s as if I did, I would regret it at some point.
It’s as if I did, everything would change.
It’s as if I did, everyone would be disappointed in me.

I can sit here and construct my thoughts onto this piece, because I know you would never take the time to read it. If you did, you would just shrug it off. I am sure. In a way, I am hiding behind this screen to voice out my thoughts because it is a given that I would never have the guts to tell anyone how I feel face-to-face. If it’s anger, I am not afraid to voice my opinions. If it’s my feelings towards someone, I would rather not. All these thoughts run through my mind, and the cons always seem to outweigh all possible pros. Maybe I am over-analyzing the situation, and stretching it out to such extreme measures. Maybe I should just go to you right now and put my two cents in. Thing is, do you want to hear the truth? Are you prepared for it? Or would this completely change everything and make me wish I had kept my mouth shut?

My impossibility

You have the ability to lift me up within the same second as you had just shoved me down into the bottomless pit of confusion. Did you know that? Be prepared, because what I am about to say will completely go against everything I have once stood for.

I want to stop talking to you, I do. Then again, I know that not having you in my life would not feel right. I do not have the strength to do so, and I do not think you would stand for it either. I sometimes doubt the durability of this friendship. The subtle things that you do underhandedly is potent. I am not sure if you know this, either. It’s kind of strange, but I know you better than I know my own best friend. At the same time, I know enough to conclude that it is impossible. Then again, when have I ever believed in the word impossibility?

What if?

What if one day, everything you have ever thought to be true was challenged? What if life as you had always known would change? What if every single valid truth now becomes false? What would be true? What would be false? What if everything you have ever worked for and was one step away from achieving your lifelong dreams, are at risk of disappearing? What if, every person you have formed a relationship with, and have grown to love no longer existed? What would become of you? What would become of I? What would become of them? What if you spent your entire life chasing after wealth, but wealth no longer existed? What do we do? What should we do? What could we do? What if you chose to sit back and take in life by the day, but end up in poverty and no qualifications for a job? Would you be satisfied? Or would you have wished to spent that time working towards something that does not guarantee itself to be available when the time comes? What should we do? What could we do?

So, what if?

I laugh too much and cry too little. I speak my mind but hide my heart. I offer help but I never receive any in return. Not because no one reaches out, but because I am beyond amendable. I keep my composure, but I am a sinking shipwreck. I avoid conflict as much as possible but I welcome pain like child eager for their toy. I am reluctant to accept love but my love is handed on a silver platter. I believe in love but not for myself. I want to succeed but I often wonder if I would ever live to see tomorrow. I am mentally strong, but also just as weak. I never meant to hurt people but I am starting accept that it happens. I am a firm believer in karma and I know for a fact that what goes around, comes around. I am a rebel by heart but a responsible wild child, if that made any sense. I am not always prepared for the truth, because I always end up wishing I had not asked; but I ask anyway.

Live it up.

Let’s just stop sitting on our asses, and start on the adventures of our lives. Set aside the doubts, the issues, and the probable reasons as to why you cannot do the things you want to do. Push aside the people who bring nothing but negativity into your life. Shove away the condescending glares from those who dare to question your abilities. They do not know you. These people should not have a say in how you should live your life. If anything, they should be the backbone to your success. It is their doubt and their nonexistent support that will drive you to your happiness. Thank them. Thank their doubt. Thank their pessimism. Thank them for their low self esteem and will to bring you down. There is no such thing as “can’t” in this world. Not now, not ever. It’s either you do, or you do not. Maybe you do not have the tools and materials at this very moment to take you to where you want, and to build whatever you desire, but it is not impossible. If you do not have it, work for it. Strive for it. Do not settle until you are satisfied with everything you have accomplished. If you are not, continue to chase after whatever it is that you want. Forget the past, because it is nothing now. Holding onto something that does not benefit you will only hold you back.

Because damn it, life is short.
So for once, this once, lets live.

Live for those who never had the opportunity to do so.
Live for those who never once believed in you.
Live for those who adore your very soul.
Live for all that life has to offer.
Live for all that you love.
Live for happiness.
Dare to live.

Live. Just live.

Story of a Boy

He awaits patiently for his turn. It is just not fair, the way life treats him. What’s worse is how love treats his very fragile heart. He’s had to glue the pieces back too many times before. In doing so, he has now become the founder of the broken hearts foundation. He has always been the “Home boy”, the “best friend” to those he fell for. There he sat, willingly yet unwillingly listening to his crushes’ heart breaking stories, struggles, and successes. He tries to be happy for that person, and at times, he succeeds in doing so; but reality hits harder when he realizes he is only fooling himself. So what is a guy to do? He tries to do the right thing, but the right thing feels so wrong, and who determines what is right? So he continues to wait. It is the one thing he does best. He waits.

All Me

For all the times people have told me that they wanted to know me, the whole me, and nothing less of me. They get to know the real me, but they then want to conceal me. My thoughts become too much, too blunt, too real to deal with. They take two steps back after every one inch forward. They take a double take and question their ability to be able to hear anymore of me. The whole me, the nothing less of me. I become too complex, too hard, too quick, too unpredictable. I throw the unspeakable in their faces which serve as the sample of what the true taste of my life is. As soon as they want to see me eye-to-eye, my stare becomes too cold. The truth unfolds, and I know that before anything began, it has already ended. So do not tell me you want to know me, the whole me, and nothing less of me. If you cannot handle the true me, the real me, with all the extra baggage of who I am, and where I stand as an individual. This is where I am at, there is where you are. To meet in the middle is not going to be easy, believe me. My life has no guarantees, no promises, and most definitely no possibilities of eternity. So please, ease up off my case and let me be. Unless you are really determined to know me, the whole me, and nothing less of me. If so, I am ready when you are.

The little wrinkle on the side of your eyes that only appears when you smile welcomes me to an unparalleled universe, where music are your words because your thoughts are concealed within every verse. So with the use of our heartbeats, I will drop a couple lines in attempt to capture your mind. Maybe offer you some food for thought or some food for the soul, whichever replaces the foundation of your soles. Because you see, I want to be the infrastructure of your bones that construct your functions eternally, so I could be fixated on your mind even when you reach the ‘heaven’ly. I would like to tickle your fancy through my various forms of flattery because spitting lines and looking cute is not part of my mastery. I want to capture your attention with these words I am publishing publicly, so that you know your worth is enough to entertain and inspire society. I am a phantom that wanders aimlessly in between the tree trunks in the forest of your mind, because like the hustlers and smugglers in the streets, I am on the grind, except to find the fine line that connects your heart to mine.

You take my breathe away with your Razzle Dazzle ways.

I am sitting here wishing for your Cotton Candy Kisses, even thinking of your Willy Wonka whispers. I will call you my Sweetheart because you are sweeter than any Baby Ruths. You even give me cavities, because darling, you are my sweet tooth. You make the Stars Burst when you daydream, kindling shooting stars to travel down the ‘mainstream’. So instead of wishing on airplanes like ‘Hayley’, we can use the stars. Because we have the Milky Way right here in chocolate bars. You are like the sugars of Snickers and Kit-Kats because you spark me alive, and even Gummy Bears or Worms and Take Fives. I got a few Trix up my sleeve cause I am considered one of the Nerds. Rumors might travel around and get to you but fuck what you heard. Air Heads are just trying split us apart, but we are Smarties. Even Gobstoppers cannot because no one else can make my heart freeze. You take my breath away with your Razzle Dazzle ways. So can I have you Now ‘N Later until forever runs out of days?

Hello Beautiful

There are those girls who at a glance, they leave you in awe. As you see them in their natural habitats and their true colors stand out like a thorn on a rose. Then, the more your eyes are stuck upon their beauty, you start to become disgusted by their attitudes and selfishness. Versus the kind of girls who usually sit in the back, and either do not have much friends, or very few. The kind of girls who look shyly away as they caught your curious eyes wandering the class. The kind of girls that are not the first think you think about, but cannot seem to forget. The kind of girls who sits quietly with her friends and laugh; not about others, but something actually funny. Whose wit is hidden, but pure and innocent. Those kind of girls are what you need, but nothing you want. Those kind of girls are hard to find, because you are not looking. Beautiful girls need a beautiful heart and soul to be considered beautiful.

If you do not succeed, do not bother coming back.

There were times when I wanted to surrender. Exhaustion and wasted efforts seemed to overpower all signs of optimism. I admit, there are times when I am not as strong as I would like to be. There were moments when I had to give up my pride, to gain a hint of hope. You have to lose yourself, to gain a better self. You have to keep fighting. You have to stand strong. You have to keep your chin up, because darling, sunshine is from above. You will only see darkness if you keep your eyes onto the cold pavement. How could you see where you are heading if you do not look at the path ahead?

When you are the last one standing and you feel as though the entire force is now aiming at you; you cannot surrender. You must fight until the very last breath. Like the samurais, if you do not succeed, do not bother coming back.

Maturity

Do you know what I love about re-organizing my belongings? I have an excuse to look through my old yearbook, my old photo albums, my old shoe box filled with letters, with notes, with pictures, with memories of the last few years. I realized how much I have grown. Not only physically, but have matured and aged in every aspect. I am no longer that naive little boy. The boy who did not value the importance of friendship. The boy who used to whisper sweet nothings, sweet talking, and sweet… everything to make a girl fall for him. The boy who took relationships for granted. The boy who always complained he never gets what he wanted so he bitches about it, bitches to people who never gave it. The “it”, was everything he wanted. The boy who used to be superficial and clueless and impractical. Naive. The boy who never understood his parents wanting only the best for him. Who never failed to hurt them, every single day he walked in and out of their front door. The selfish one, the rebellious, hard headed, and impatient. The boy who had excuses for almost everything, the one who could never admit his mistakes, his faults, his imperfections and weaknesses. The boy that thinks very highly of himself and thinks he knows everything. Yes, I used to be that boy.

But that was then. Now, I am a man, a young but I can honestly and confidently say I am a maturing young man. But without my past, I really would not be the person that I am today. I honestly believe that the past identifies who I am, whether it was the good or the bad. It is the sole definition of me. Everything I have been through, implanted and rooted, the only thing that is set on stone, my past. We can never escape it or run from it, or hell, hide it. We can only add better and bigger and brighter things to it. My past is where I learned the most from. It is the place I look back at my mistakes so I do my best not make the same ones over and over again. I will not let my past dictate my future, but I will not forget what I have become because of it. It is my past that worked all together to shape me up into this person at this very moment, no matter what happened. I wrote a complex, difficult past, but one that was filled with both great and bad memories, filled with much love and resentment, with lessons, with realizations. And now, I write my present… one day at a time.

Her.

I love every single little crack on your face especially when you smile. The way your eyes get chinky as you smile but even though they are smaller, I notice them the most. Your cheek and cheekbones protrude and flex creating a those incredible smile lines. Your lips teeth and mouth work in perfect unison to create something unexplainable and I catch you duplicating the same exact face. I find this one of my greatest joys in this world. My heart just melts into tiny little caterpillars, blooming into butterflies as we get deeper into conversation. This happens every time I see you and it just never gets old. I can act completely like myself, yet at the same time, feel nervous. Feel jittery and unsure about my actions and words, like it was love at first sight. It’s an unbelievable feeling I tell you. You can easily lift me higher than smoke can, intoxicate me stronger than shots, and it’s the best natural high I have found. Scratch that. You are the best thing I have found. Scratch that. Blessed. But the sad thing is, we have a brother and sister relationship. It creates a barrier, kind of like the Wall of China, to what we can do. I have never kissed you. Never held your hand. But when I hug you, you give me a rush that surpasses a first kiss and intertwined fingers - combined. Yes. Your touch is that powerful. Your presence, in fact, knocks me off my feet. Cliche, only because it’s true. Yet, I cannot tell you this. Not a single word. Not a single clue. Not a single anything. But I have come up with every single way to prove to you that I love you. At least I think I do. Almost positive I do. There is no other way to describe this beauty. So as of today, 143.

This Is Me.

I am an irony in motion. A lot of the things I say contradicts a lot of the things I do. I live a simple life, but my mind is in a whirlwind of complexity. I am judgmental. But that is just because I have learned not to settle for anything less than what I deserve. I would like to take pride in my capability of filtering out both people’s fresh and reoccurring bullshit. In the end, I still put my heart and my soul into decisions and into my resolutions. I am a walking enigma. It takes a whole lot to read what is on my mind, a never ending puzzle, a complicated maze. Even I, myself cannot quite figure out on most days. But you know what? I really do not care. This is how I am built up. This is who I am. I am unique in my own ways, in many different ways. I am not the greatest. I am not the best. And most of all, I am no where near perfect. But let me tell you this, I am the best me I could ever be. And quite frankly, that is all there is to it. This is me. Take it or leave it.

A Rollercoaster Ride

Hard work, character, and motivation will take you to a path towards success. Procrastination and criticism is what will only bring you down. I am striving for success. Even though I am starting low, I am going to try to keep working my way towards the top. I am tired of letting myself go to bad influences, and lowering my ranks and chance of achieving my way towards my goal. I am ready for this roller coaster ride, even if it will consist of compelling waves, no way is this ship going down. I am not going to easily lure myself off track, out of sight of my future. The future that is held in my hand, and only I can only control it. Not you, mom. Not you, dad. Not my family. Not my friends, but me.

I envy a writer's life;

But a writer never gets a break. Continuous works of fancy words strung together still flows throughout the mind. It is always their tendency to create more with their words. A writer's life consists of a notebook, their cover is plain but within the pages their life is written in a inevitable form. Every page consistency are filled with grief, depression, and fulfillment of happiness. A writer dosen’t just write about heartbreak, they fill their pages with the world. They compose the function of other people’s lives, because a writer isn’t self-centered. Neither do they take criticism as an acceptable substantial way to live. And that is why I envy a writer’s life.

I Miss You

It is more than just a phrase and is greater than just three words. When someone says “I miss you”, it is so meaningful, nourishing, and invigorating. Knowing that you affected someone’s life, enough for them to recognize what they have been lacking for a period of time, should make you feel jubilant and dignified. Knowing that your memories with that person is still remembered and cherished is more than comforting, it’s healing and refreshing. It replenishes me to continue with our friendship.

One day,

If we meet again, I would not know whether to approach you or act as if I did not notice you at all. I would not know whether to say hi or hello. I wouldn’t know whether to give you a big smile, half smile, or casual smile. I would not know whether to run up and hug you or just shake your hand. I would not know whether to act excited or remain calm. I would not know whether to say how much I have missed you or how much we have drifted apart from each other. I would not know whether or not I should end the conversation short because you have somewhere else to go or if you want to continue talking. I would not know whether I should ask for your new number or just let you walk away again. I do not exactly know what I would do if we meet again but I am definitely looking forward to it.

Women Are Like Pokemon

There are cute ones like Togepi. Mean ones like Gyarados. If you are unlucky you bump into a Gastly or Snorlax but then it's okay because we love them for who they are. There are some that hate balls like Pikachu which will drive some men crazy. There are boring ones like Jigglypuff which makes us sleep and get mad after. If men get lucky you can find the ones you can ride just like Lapras. And then there are those Caterpies which you cannot seem to shake off because they keep clinging onto you, but then years later they turn into a Butterfrees and they are amazing. You will want them but they will not want you anymore which is sad. On the other hand, you will meet Odishes that are amazing once you first meet them but they turn into Glooms later in their life. You will also meet some Psyducks at least once in your life. They are a lot of hot ones like the Fire Pokemon but they are weak to Water Pokemon and as soon as you splash water at them all their make up washes away. And you will soon realizes that they are not so hot anymore. There are a lot of Dittos, they are fake and all they want to do is copy others. If you are weak you will be controlled by Alakazams or Hypnos. Or maybe tossed around by Machamp. There will be a lot of Cubones and Marowaks but all they will probably do is hold bones. There will be a lot of Lickitungs too, but who would not want one? And there will be a Kangaskhans running around the streets rampaging once they find out they are pregnant so definitely use protection.

The good ones are rare. The bad ones are common and you just want to run away when you see them. Every guy's dream is to catch them all but no one ever succeeded, it will never happen. But in the end, all a guy wants is a Mew.

Pluma

To many, a pen is a mere instrument where ink flows. A non-living, immobile and lifeless element that is used against a surface for the purpose of writing or drawing. On the other hand, to others, a pen has a greater significance than a simple object. A pen serves as a window to somebody’s soul. It performs as a pathway through the ins and outs of somebody’s mind. It is a door, an entry way to somebody’s heart. And most of all, the pen shows the person’s strength and power.

Just as one of the oldest proverbs stated, I believe that the pen is definitely mightier than the sword. The ideas and thoughts we write with it are much more powerful than a sword would strike. Our scars will heal and our wounds will replenish, but words will live forever. The physical strength of the human body cannot come close to the form of strength our minds impart. Therefore, a writer’s finest weapon is their pen, for this simple device reveals how much power and might his or her mind is made of.

Criticism

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." -Aristotle

Say nothing and you will not be criticized. Do nothing and you will not be criticized. Be nothing and you will not be criticized. Say something important and you will be criticized. Do something magnificent and you will be criticized. Be the greatest and you will be criticized.

Are you going to take the criticism knowing you are making an impact, or waste your life shunning the greatness just to avoid being criticized? Take your pick.

Man vs. Boy

A boy may hold open a door for you, because he thinks you’re too weak to do it yourself. A man will hold open a door for you, because he believes you are better than him, and such tasks are beneath you. A boy will remind you of his birthday. A man will remember yours. A boy will dread your time of the month. A man will know when it is before you do, and have the chocolate ready. A boy believes that sometimes “no” means “yes.” A man knows that “no” means “no” and that, in fact, sometimes “yes” means “no” as well. A boy will want to do things to you. A man will want to do things with you. A boy will believe that real men don’t cry. A man will not be afraid to show his emotions. A boy will think that the idea of a threesome is awesome. A man won’t want to share you with anyone. A boy will spend his time wondering what he can get from you. A man will spend his time wondering what he can give to you. A boy will think you should be grateful that he comes home to you. A man wouldn’t leave without you in the first place. A boy will tell you what he thinks. A man will ask you what you think. A boy may call you “bitch” or “hoe”. A man will call you “beautiful” or “gorgeous”. A boy will have a back up plan. A man will be lost without you. A boy will be afraid of commitment. A man will think forever is too short a time with you. A boy will say “If you loved me you would”. A man will simply say “I love you”.

What is it to you?

Remember these words.

Confidence: faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way.
Modesty: propriety in dress, speech, or conduct.
Self-esteem: confidence and satisfaction in oneself.

When a person compliments your physical appearance, what do you say? Do you think you are beautiful/pretty/handsome/good looking?

You will be judged if you do answer yes, and you will also be judged if you answer no. Answering "yes" would turn you conceited. While answering "no" makes you a liar, you might lack self-esteem and want to fish for compliments. But if you are fishing for compliments, what is to other people? Maybe you need that litany of support and compliments because you were never trained to have a high self-esteem.

If a person thinks that they are, does it harm anyone? If they say, "Yes, I am beautiful and I know it." then let them be. They are confident enough to think that they are beautiful, inside and out. Confidence should be a good thing and should not be taken away from anyone. If they are but say that they are not, it is called being modest. This may not be the case for everyone, yes, but also why does it matter to you?

You do not want their "conceitedness" or their "fishing for compliments attitude"? Then do not pop the question, you may not like the answer.

Learn the ABCs of life.

Avoid negative sources, people, things and habits. Believe in yourself. Consider things from every angle. Don’t give up and don’t give in. Enjoy life today: yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. Family and Friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their riches. Give more than you planned to give. Hang on to your dreams. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Just do it! Keep on trying, no matter how hard it seems. It will get better. Love yourself first and foremost. Make it happen. Never lie, cheat, or steal. Always strike a fair deal. Open your eyes and see things as they really are. Practice betters your best. Quitters never win and winners never quit. Read, study and learn about everything important in your life. Stop procrastinating. Take control of your own destiny. Understand yourself in order to better understand others. Visualize it. Want it more than anything. Xccelerate your efforts. You are unique of all of Nature’s creations. Nothing can replace you. Zero in on your target, and go for it!

Yeah, you!

Women are very beautiful, very strong, and very smart human beings. They are probably smarter than most men. And they also so say the most cruel and hurtful things. To all the women out there, what you say to us hurt. Just because most of us do not show it, we have feelings too. What I am trying to say is, before saying something so fucked up, you better think of what it’s going to do to us first.

Random. Just sayin’.

Lenten Season

Probably a few weeks late on this, but I have been reading so much of people's never ending list of things they are willing to give up for lent. From Facebook to meat, smoking, drinking, fast food, etc. That is 40 days of your lives every year, but the question is, are you really sincere in giving up these things? You can give up one thing and be sincere and that is good enough. I am not saying I know God personally, but from what I have learned, God only listens to human beings that are sincere. And, I find this year's Lenten season very sad because I hear people whining about wanting it to end when it has only been about two weeks. Last time I checked Jesus was not worked up about not eating a single crumb of food.

People portray lent the wrong way. Catholics sacrifice their earthly desires for 40 days just because they are part of that religion, but not because they truly are thankful of those 40 days Jesus sacrificed to save us from our sins. It is easy to give-up what you desire the most for a month and a half because after those 40 days you know you can do it again or have it back again. But Lent is not only about giving up our earthly desires, but more of giving, making personal sacrifices, and sharing what we have with others who fall short on what they currently posses. Help an older woman cross the street. Or buy a homeless person his lunch, instead of buying unnecessary things. This is a time to internalize the importance of true sacrifice. God sacrificed His only Son to save us from our sins. Jesus sacrificed His life for our sins to be forgiven. It had nothing to do with TV, beer or chocolate. Lent is not so much about what we give up, but it is more about what we are willing to give.

Just elaborating.

Positive Thoughts and Positive Attitude

As far back as I can remember, I was always told about the importance of a positive attitude and the powerful effect it could have on my life. I heard it from my parents, teachers, coaches, and everyone who has mentored me over the years. Now let me ask you a question, how many times in your life have you been encouraged to have a positive attitude? Although attitude plays an important role in everyone's life, many people do not know how to reciprocate it with their everyday life. They do not realize the influence it has to their performance at work and on their relationship other people. So, what then is attitude?

The dictionary online defines it as a manner, disposition, or feeling with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation. Well for me, attitude is defined in one word: life. The attitude you carry around makes an incredible difference in your everyday life. It can be a powerful too for positive action. Or it can be a poison that cripples your ability to fulfill your potential. Your attitude dictates whether you are living life or life is living you. Attitude determines whether you are on the way or in the way. So indulge in a life of positivity. If you positively believe in your own success, then you can make it happen. Remember that your thoughts have power.

A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.

Although this is partly true, it just does not click with me. Do not ever tell things once you are under the influence because I do not give a flying fuck about it. They lose that credibility once you have blamed a substance for what you decided to say. I would rather listen to things you "always wanted to say" when you are sober, no matter how insincere it could be sometimes. Never use a substance as an excuse for your actions. It should always be a sober mind speaking a sober heart. If you have something to tell me, say it when you are straight. Do not hide behind a fucking mask.

Not a one way street.

I always hear this question going around, "What happened to all the nice guys?" well the answer is, they have moved on.

Try it, think back hard enough. You might remember a very simple guy who was always on your tail and always wanted to spend time as much time with you. He does the littlest things that your perfect boyfriend does not do anymore. Shopping for example. Your boyfriend might hate it and does the other guy, but he will walk around with you for hours just to please you. Another would be when you asked him to stop by and watch a movie with you because you were lonely and did not want the world to see you the way you were. Or maybe stop by because you needed someone to lend you a shoulder while you sobbed about how horribly your boyfriend treated you.

At the time, during your girls night out, movie night, or little slumber parties; you were laughing with your friends about how we was like a little puppy dog. He followed you around and did things to impress you and to get you to pay attention to him although you might not realize it, because what he did was too cute. You were teased by your friends, assuming that he had a crush on you which was the case, given his behavior showed it. Of course, you fervently denied this thought and fortified your position by claiming you were just friends. And besides, he was not your type any way, right? You think he was just a little too short, too fat, too poor, or he did not know how to dress himself. He pretty much could not be or do the things that your current boyfriend does.

Eventually, your short, fat, not so good-looking friend drifts away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you were not dating him. And as time passed, your perfect boyfriend cheated on you, bored you, or you finally realize that the traits the he possesses which attracted you to him were not meant for a good, long-term relationship. And so, you walk around cursing the world and asking, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Another simple answer: You drove them away.

You ignored the good in front of you. You only used him for your needs to cope with your emotional feelings. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women are not really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you are upset; or hold you when you cry.

He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he would have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, bought you Juicy Couture, and generally acted more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he is probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I am sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

Please stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you have fucked yourself over. You are getting older, after all. It is time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You did not want a nice guy then, and he certainly does not want you now.

Counter-argument: I liked him but it was his fault for not making a move. He was too weak and unassertive.

Well, what if the guy does not have that assertiveness in his genes? What if the way he shows his affection is through the intangibles instead of the intangibles? You might have experienced it already but you still chose the other guy anyway, because you were socially pressured or whatever else kind of bullshit you have. You probably heard it before, "Love is not a one way street."

For generations now, it is usually a man that proposes his love for a woman. But just because that is the case, it does not always have to be that way. Love goes both ways. The other one gives while the other one takes, and vise-versa.

Not everything that glitters is gold.

Roses will only last a couple of weeks and that is if you leave them in water. They really only exist to be a decoration and just to look pretty. So it is like saying, “My love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance.”

A potato, however, will last forever. In fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow sprouts of roots by just leaving them in a sack. That part alone makes it a good symbol. But there is more. There are so many ways to enjoy a potato. As an example, it can be used as an energy source. That is like saying, “I have many ways in which I show my love for you.”

And potatoes may be ugly, but they are still much more amazing than a rose. And that is like saying, “It does not matter at all what you look like, I will still love you.”

The Ugly Truth

Although I say, "I am allergic to bullshit." I doubt that people actually are truthful to what they say. It is hard to believe that there is a person in the world that is completely honest. No one can fit the criteria of being an honest person because at one point in their life they have deceived and withheld the truth. The truth be told, no bullshit whatsoever, honesty is just an unattainable trait. But not being able to attain this trait completely does not mean that you have to go on with your life living with dishonesty. Always do your best to be as truthful as possible. I am telling you right now, do not dig yourself one big hole that you will have a hard time getting out of. I have experienced this first hand with people giving me bullshit EVERY-fucking-TIME. Do not be one of them.

You might tell yourself, "I would never do that!" but think about it. You have lied to a buddy, your parents, maybe even yourself, and so on. All that complication and stress to either hide something you are too afraid to reveal or just for your own personal gain. It is just not worth it. Why deprive yourself of a great human experience? Again, just be as honest as possible. The truth hurts but a sugar coated lie is much worse.

This is a proven fact, no bullshit. If you tell me it is not then I will bet $100 for you to introduce me to a person that has been completely honest his whole life.

Pensive Thoughts

There are times when I wish the people I know personally do not or did not read what I write. Because sometimes the input given to me by people does not come from the heart and as I have told everyone, I am allergic to bullshit. Having to share my thoughts with a stranger and have them relate to it feels like a much more different connection. A better one. A real one. My real thoughts are stored in my head and this blog for a reason. They just do not roll off my tongue as easy as writing them into tangible words and sentences. But it's sad, some people judge me for the way I think. Well, who are you to judge? Just because you know me does not mean you know every little thing about me.

More ranting..

It has been 8 months since we bought the house and 6 months since we started working on it. This sucks. I have not gone to school or gone out for the past two weeks. Those hectic weeks have drained me. I really wish my uncle did not screw us over. FUCK HIM. God, you are going to get yours one day. Karma is bitch, you know. I do not mind helping but damn 15 hours of work everyday is not acceptable. But it is what it is. Like my parents and brothers told me, "You are the back bone of the family without you helping we do not get anywhere." Man, oh man. Expectations again..

Even more ranting...

I have been a walking zombie this past week or so. I have not had a good night's sleep ever since this crazy schedule started. I have been getting headaches after waking up. It's irritable. I just hope it does not reach my boiling point. It's when I get annoyed and angry at every little thing, because I just feel miserable that happens. I need to cool off and get out of the house this weekend. Maybe do something today, who knows.

“Practice without theory leads to confusion, while theory without practice is just empty knowledge.”

Education has been an essential part of life a lot of kids are taking for granted nowadays. I did, I fucked it up so much. I knew the bad I was doing, but I did not do anything to change me. And it became worse and worse every day until I finally broke destroyed the chain with one year left in high school, but the problem I had was I did it too late. It is always going to be a chip on my shoulder not being able to graduate high school. I will always have something to prove to my family and to the world.

I know I flunked but I learned some things. For example, there are some students that think “If I learn these and get good grades I will not have to worry because I will get into a good school and be set.” Yeah, sure that’s good. But once they are asked to do something practical, they cannot. You know why? Because they assume all the things written in the book is all they need. The book does not provide everything. You may be a theorist but it is not enough to be one when you are out on the field. And for the practitioners, it is vice-versa. They know how to work and they are handy, but they do not have much knowledge on what they are doing, but from what they are told.

What I am trying to say is, being too textbook or too practical is not going to help you with life. To succeed, you must know what you are doing but know how to do it. Learn it and practice it.

My thoughts are all jumbled up and I do not know if I made any sense at all. Forgive me.

That is sexy.

Sexy is when you have the capabilities of having an intellectual conversation with me and you keep me on my toes while sharing a piece of that mind. It is when you show everyone around you that swag you have but you are still humble about it. Sexy is when you give me that loving feeling in the pit of my stomach if we have not seen each other in a while, and run up to hug me but do not want to let go. Sexy is also when you teach me new things, and when you share things that you have never shared with another living soul before. And the sexiest thing is having goals set for yourself and wanting to obtain them. That is what sexy is.

Good Times?

What happened to the good old fun? Partying? Drinking? Drugs? No thanks. I was told by others that I do those. Well, excuse you, but I do not do that shit. I am sorry for not meeting your expectations. As Oscar Wilde said assuming makes an ass out of you and me. I am proud to say that I am above the influence. Will I ever drink? Probably, once I am older. Underage drinking is just very stupid. I mean, do you really call that being mature? Will I ever do drugs? No, never. I already have asthma and I do not want to die early. Will I ever party? No, it is a very uncomfortable place to be in which happens to be a place where drinking and getting high happens too. No, I am not being an asshole or a party pooper. Well, maybe an asshole but I am being real.

I will never be cut for partying, drinking and/or drug use. Just give me a good company that can keep a conversation going and I am happy. Whatever happened to that kind of fun? Just being with a group of people and having good vibes. The simple things, you know?

Well, that is just me. I just wanted write and clear my head. But thanks for reading, you can go on with your party hardy life now.

Saint Valentine

Valentine's Day is just a few days away. There are a lot of people that detest this day, but I am not one of them. I do not want to be bitter and ruin that day for the people that celebrate it.

I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. I have never had a Valentine, and I do not feel the need to ask someone to be my Valentine. I already have love around me and one day out of the whole year does not change the fact that I do. Love shows itself to me everyday and reveals itself in many different ways; through the continuous blessings bestowed upon me by God everyday frickin' day of my life, the never ending support I get from my parents and older brother, the laughs I share with my friends, the heartfelt kindness of my family, and so on. God, my family, and friends are the love of my life and always number one in my heart, it sounds cliché but it is true, nothing will ever change that.

Valentine's Day does not always have to be just showing love to your boyfriend or girlfriend but do so to anyone. And to the couples everyone that celebrates Valentine's Day, I respect that. To the couples, congratulations on finding each other. You must continue to love each other even when Valentine's Day have passed. Never take each other for granted. All I am trying to say is that love is not a one-time deal.

Spoiled

You think you are not pretty. There is always someone uglier. You want more money. People are in poverty. You want a boyfriend. Someone does not even have parents. You are hungry. A child is starving to death. You want to go to the mall. Someone is looking for anything just to stay warm. You are chilly. Others are frozen. You just want to die. Most people want to live. So do not waste your time on things that you think you want because there is always someone out there who needs it much more than you could ever possibly know.

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."

It takes two people to form and build a relationship. If someone walks out on you, blaming should not be your first reaction. You may have not given them a reason to stick with you. It could be that you changed, drastically, for the worse and they got tired of trying to talk you out of it, but you never really realized that until they left. If you want them back, you can try your hardest to make them return. But after such evaluation on the matter, there is nothing much you could do if they give up on you, but be strong enough to let that person go. No matter how much you love them. Sure it is sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew, but it is even more sad to see a person continue to hold onto something that the other person let go of a long time ago.

A Long Road Ahead

Yesterday, I was sat down by my parents to talk. We did. We talked about what my goals were, what I want to be doing in the near future, etc. All in all, about my future.

I was not so sure what to tell them but I did not want to give a BS answer. But I told them that I was not so sure what the future holds with what I have accomplished so far. I destroyed my education and it is frustrating. Although I am doing my best to get back on track and finish continuing education, it is not the same as graduating in a real school, with my class, with my pals. Of course, I will not be able to experience that anymore. I will not be able to have that feeling of satisfaction and achievement after working so hard during my high school years to graduate. I know I could have done better and since this is life there is no option to retry. There will always be this chip on my shoulder that will never go away for not being able to graduate high school. The only Urcia that did not graduate which is quite a disappointment, but I am ready to prove them that I can succeed even though I am uninspired, I am determined.

In order to succeed I was told that I needed to start new without any distractions. And they gave me propositions. Three of them.

• Stay in the States to study with minimal help but many distractions.


• Stay in the States but enlist to the Navy or Air Force.


• Fly back to the Philippines to start fresh with minimal distractions and help from many relatives.

I know I will not survive in the Navy or Air Force which is why I am leaning towards the other two more, but I am torn between the two because I am settled here and do not want to start over, but then again, it is my future that is more important. Five years is not that long, is it? I do not know anymore.. What do I do?

Late Night Thoughts

New, shiny, glamorous things. You buy those things and you keep them clean. You take care of them, better than the other things you have. You keep them in a special pocket, away from the other things that are not as good as the new “thing” you have. But then, you scratch it once. Then it happens again, and again, and again. Soon, it loses its meaning and you do not care about them anymore. You stop keeping them in your special pocket, but instead, you throw them with the rest of your ordinary things. The things that have surpassed that glamor and form and became nothing but waste.

Your friends are like that. At first, they are trustworthy, loyal, and precious to you. You meet them, talk to them, and keep them clean. You keep them in our special pocket separated from the rest of the world. Once again, you scratch them once for your personal gain. They forgive you, but then you take advantage and do it again, and again, and again. But because those friends of yours are loyal they forgive you. And once those friends of yours have served for your purpose, you ignore their very existence like the useless things you have.

High School Life

1. New school semester:


2. At the first week:


3. At the second week:


4. Before the mid-term test:


5. During the mid-term test:


6. After the mid-term test:


7. Before the final exam:


8. Once know the final exam schedule:


9. 7 days before final exam:


10. 6 days before final exam:


11. 5 days before final exam:


12. 4 days before final exam:


13. 3 days before final exam:


14. 2 days before final exam:


15. 1 day before final exam:


16. A night before final exam:


17. 1 hour before final exam:


18. During the final exam:


19. Once walk out from the exam hall:


20. After the final exam, during the holiday:

Intervening

I try not to meddle with other people’s personal problems nowadays. I just do not want any of their problems because I have my own. But one way or another, I still end up trying to help them out. If you do ask for my advice, follow them. Or do not ask at all. However, if you took my advice and followed them, in return, if things do not go as planned. I get the “I told you. I should not have done that. You fucked it up for me.” crap. They pin the blame on me. If you are going to do that, you might as well not ask me for any advice either.

Do not say I love you "too"

By saying “I love you too” meant saying “I love you because you love me.” That is not what love is supposed to be right? You are not supposed to love someone just because they love you. Love is supposed to be about loving someone with every fiber and atom in your body because for some weird reason, you just cannot see yourself with anybody else. Love is just love. No “too’s” and no “but’s.”

Greed and Materialism

People are fucking out of their minds. I look at the world around me and no one is ever satisfied with what they have and who they have. There are so many people in the world with nothing at all. Do you ever think of those starving homeless people in the streets? Or the people in Africa trying to survive the chaos? Yes, I talk about Africa because like I said all the bullshit we have is just the size of a pinky compared to theirs. What a shame. We can give so much but all you think about is yourselves. Actually, we do not even have to give so much, just enough but it will not happen because of greediness. And yes, that includes me too but I do not ask for so much. People are obsessed with things that will be rarely used but bought because it is pretty on the outside, but really as shallow as the shore of a beach. Such shallow minds but it is what it is. There are some people that asked me, “So, is it bad to reward yourself?” No, it is not. But it is once you indulge yourself with buying all the useless crap every time you reward yourself. All this material shit will fade and be destroyed in time. You know it. Nothing material lasts forever. But all the little things, the intangibles, the things you can never buy; they will last a long time and never fade such as family, knowledge, wisdom, etc. no matter the adversity. I am going to end it with this. Try finding balance in your life because if buying all these things completes you and fulfills you then you are lost.

Free Lifetime Service?

I am not your babysitter, not your technical support, not your maid, not customer service, not your father, I am not a doormat and most definitely not your fucking slave. I am your friend.

I am tired of it. I am tired of people using me for their personal gain. Everyone wants or needs something from me. I do not need to help you even though I can. But why do I do it? Because helping people satisfies me. Nothing feels better than making someone happy or seeing someone smile for the good I have done, but what do those people do to me? They fucking take advantage and push their luck. It’s fucking ridiculous, I can only take so much bullshit, you know? Even toilets can’t take so much shit, but once it does it clogs up and overflows.

When close friends ask for help, I do not mind helping them. Hey, I am happy to be able to help them. That is just how my mind has been set. More often than not I help a friend in need. I just wish I was to be cared for too. I do not ask for much but everyone is too fucking selfish to give anything.

Whenever it is me that has troubles and I know a certain person that can help me, they make up some lame ass excuse for not being able to help. How disappointing. No one ever gives back. I give, give, give while all you people fucking do is take, take, and take some more. Well, you know what? There is nothing left for me.

That Girl

There’s something to be said about a girl who can outshine all others without makeup, expensive dresses, or high heels. She shouldn’t be afraid to get a grass stain on her clothes every now and then. She should be graceful in her steps and careful with her priorities. Public affection should be something she anticipates, and she shouldn’t mind holding hands, being caressed, and an occasional kiss.

Not afraid to show her true colors, she should be assertive and inspiring. Creativity should flow through her every thought and act as a fingerprint to everything she does. Her curiosity should never settle. She should be anxious to learn and eager to teach.

She should be generous, never reluctant to give love, advice, and piece of mind wherever it is needed. A victim of chivalry, she should be taken by surprise when she least expects it and satisfied when she most desires it. A girl. Special. Unique. Loving. Honest. Faithful. Confident in herself, with a bit of reliance on something that makes her feel complete. She should be beautiful, but not in the way the world expects her to be.

Most importantly, she should be herself. And she will be loved.

How To Install Love

Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Jealousy

No one is immune to it. Everyone will be jealous once in their life, maybe a lot more than most people. If you have never been jealous then that is bullshit. It is like telling water not to be wet. Jealousy could be one of the most disgusting emotions ever. It can consume you, it usually always does. So sometimes you turn into your other emotions and they do the damage from there. Goodness, I just wish this feeling never existed. I fucking hate it.

For The Guys

This is for all the nice guys. The ones that always seem to finish last and more often than not, stay in the friend zone. The ones who never turn their back on a female friend in need. The ones that always provide a shoulder to lean on. This is for the guys that endure the endless whining and bitching about how much guys are assholes. This is to honor the guys who sacrifice and put away their own feelings for the sake and happiness of the girl they like. This is for the guys that stop whatever they’re doing just to hear her rant about how bad her day went. This is for the guys that know she will not be listening to your advice but you give it anyway just because. This is for the guys that escort their wasted female friends home but never take advantage. For the guys that know his female friend is fishing for compliments, but you give it anyway because every girl needs that litany of support. This is to honor the guys that are credited as REAL boyfriend material but somehow ends up not being one. To all the guys that are used, underestimated, unappreciated, misled, manipulated, overlooked, and abandoned, this is for you.

This is for those times she did not have a date to a party and used you as the last resort. Dragging you to a party where you knew no one. Even though you were not comfortable, you went anyway because you’re nice like that. This is for the times you two were supposed to hang out but she flaked out because she was too lazy or not in the mood, but it was all okay with you because it is her.

The nice guys never get the credit they deserve. I just wish I could carve this understanding in everyone’s head, but it is just not possible. From what I have observed girls can be heartless, manipulative bitches. I am not saying they all are but they all have a tendency to be like that. Many of those girls state that they want a nice guy to court them, but when presented this species, they say irrational bullshit such as “He is too nice to date.” or “He would be a good one but not for me.” or worst of all; “It would just ruin our friendship.” Just something I can never understand. Bunch of total bullshit, seriously.

I am sure of this. There are girls out there that know not to take the nice guys for granted. The tricky part though is finding them and finding one that is actually single.

In conclusion, I take my hat off to all the nice guys. You all know who you are and I know you are sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. The world does not realize how important you are. For all the insane, absurd things you have tolerated, I salute you.

The Little Things

Ever had someone that did not give two fucks about what you did for them? For example, sharing them some food or lending them something you own. Just those little things, the tiny bit of thoughtfulness that most people take for granted. In return for your kindness they give you that, “I do not need this shit right now. You are doing the most inappropriate things during the most inappropriate times.”

If that was me, I would be thankful. Yes, I probably will not look like it at that certain time but I will be forever grateful. It may be the littlest thing, a simple hug or hello could do so much. If I do not like what you have given me, still, thank you. It is still greatly appreciated.

The little things in life. Why cannot it be appreciated by everyone? I do little things, because I know I cannot do the big ones. Yet the little things I do are not appreciated? Even though it is all that I have, and all that I could give.

I am not asking for anything in return either.

Thinking and Observing

I look around and I see an army of fake people. Majority of the people only loves a certain human being because they got something or someone has done them good, but once that certain human being is not capable of doing so much anymore, they drift away. They ignore that person’s existence. If not, they will talk a lot of shit.

Take this for example. It may only be a story to you right now but it has probably happened somewhere in the world:

“There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, ‘Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?’ The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him.

Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying….. ‘Just take care of my eyes dear.’”

Yeah, it is some lovey-dovey type of crap and it is cruel, but more often than not that is just how it works. Although it is never ever acceptable to do that to a person especially your parents, it happens anyway. That is why sometimes being nice is not such a good thing anymore because a lot of people can take advantage even the closest and dearest ones to you.

People complain all the time about not getting what they wanted and then rebel. They act like the the world is ending. And it gets very irritating. Well, guess what? You probably do not deserve what you asked for, or maybe you demanded it instead of asking nicely which caused the person not to give it you. And yes, I do not exclude myself from this. I, too, complain but never in the world would I “act” nice and fake to anyone and rebel to get what I want. I will ask nicely and sincerely if it is possible, but If I do not get it, I say “thank you for trying” and just let it go, you know? Sometimes those people that has helped you countless of times actually need the recognition even if they have failed you a few times. Give credit where it is due.The others have feelings too, and it is not always going to be about you.

I just wish I could do something to strengthen the good qualities of the people in the world but that is so impossible, no matter how much I try.

And for those people that have gone through this, like me. No one deserves to be treated that way. So even if you love someone with your entire heart and they have mistreated you, but still want to help them so badly, you need to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Supporting Cast

I always play that little role in everyone’s life; one of the supporting casts. I do the smallest things, the things that matter, but they are pushed away and taken for granted because majority of society has been blinded by shoes, cars, clothes and money. And it sucks but what can I do?

I have never had the lead role, but never once grumbled about it. I feel like I am better off on the sidelines. I never did mind if I was pushed around and taken advantage of. Even when I came to a resolution that I will not let anyone do so. It still feels like people are still doing it, but no matter because I tell myself, “I have done something good. I am happy to help and made someone happy then it’s an accomplishment. But when they realize all the things I have done for them and want to finally thank me, it’s not possible because I will be long gone.” One day people will, they will appreciate me, but until then, I have to endure all the ungrateful people.